So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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