woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
don't judge my taste in strippers
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Randomize
