You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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