She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
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