wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
