it's too hot outside to masturbate.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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