Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
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