I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Randomize
