Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
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