You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
