Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
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