how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
