p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
