I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Randomize
