I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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