I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
