I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
