i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
