You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
