i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
