how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
