I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
