this boner is exhausting
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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