So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Randomize
