i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
