Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Vodka?
Forever.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
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