WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
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