I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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