Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
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