went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
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