Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Randomize
