i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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