Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Randomize
