so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
