So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
