Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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