on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize