My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
