My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
