i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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