How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
