Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
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