shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
