My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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