I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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