It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
