He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
