He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
My dick has a subreddit
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Randomize
