he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
too bad you live with your parents still
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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