Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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