I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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