You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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