Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
im about as happy as oj after his trial
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
