So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
