hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I CAN MOONWALK!
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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