I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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