oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
