I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
We were destined to go to rehab together
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
