You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
