There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
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