I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
