What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Randomize
