how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
