Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Randomize
