Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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