I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
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