Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
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